


Always Gold

by gouguruheddo



Series: The Appalachians [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Modern America, Side Story, Youth, and everything in between
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-01-09 18:45:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12282294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gouguruheddo/pseuds/gouguruheddo
Summary: Side stories related to the Final Tour universe. Exploring the sometimes quiet moments in Erwin and Levi's past and present. Chapters are not chronological, and writing styles will vary. Spoilers for Final Tour abound--if you care, please read the main story first.





	1. Scary Stories

Levi points his palms to the fire, his elbows resting on his thighs, his cheeks beating with heat. The wind points and blows puffs of smoke into his face, and he covers his nose with the collar of his sweater.

“We can switch spots.” Erwin says, lounging back in his folding chair. He swats at a mosquito before taking a sip of his low grade beer.

Levi shakes his head. “Give it a few minutes and it will be in your face too.”

Erwin smiles and nods. He covers his nose when the fire pops and cracks, embers flashing white hot as a log settles deep into the pit. Smoke curls up past the hickory tree, the breeze of an impeding storm upturning the leaves to glow silver and orange in the night.

They’d been camping before, years ago, back when Vince packed up his old station wagon with two tents, three coolers, several sleeping bags, and two boys sitting in the rear facing seats. Erwin wanted to relive it, though Levi didn’t really see the point. He’d spent twenty years sleeping in tents.

But Levi was weak to Erwin’s excitement. They went to the outdoors store and shopped for tents and sleeping bags and air mattresses and coolers–all the things to reproduce the memories that only seemed to have faded ever so slightly like old photographs. They found a nice spot off the road in a local national forest, complete with fire pit, and made up camp.

Erwin was not good at putting together camp. He sucked at it, actually. Levi kicked him away to set out the chairs and to try to attempt at a fire. He was good at that. And as the sun passed across the sky, they settled into silence that was only interrupted with the chatter of burning wood.

Levi quirks a smile. “Tell me a scary story.”

Erwin chuckles. “I am not sure I have one.”

“Sure you do. Tell me.”

Erwin leans forward, laces his fingers, and shakes his head. “Once upon a time…”

“Not a fairytale!”

“Let me start, Levi.” Erwin chuckles again. The fire catches the white of his teeth and the blue of his eyes and Levi shifts his seat to face Erwin better.

“Ok ok, continue.”

“Once upon a time, there was a land crawling with giant men. These men were called titans, and the people of this land built towering walls to keep them out.” Erwin keeps his eyes on the fire as he continues. “For a hundred years the titans terrorized the people–slaughtered them.”

“How?”

“By eating them.”

“Gross.”

“There was a man.” Erwin’s voice grows low, careful. remorseful. “Who tried to find out what these titans were. He tried to figure out why the people of the land could not win against them. Why they were being killed. He had a theory.”

Levi leans forward.

“That the titans were men.”

Levi’s lips fall apart slightly. “Like zombies?”

“Giant zombies.”

“Fuck, I thought running zombies were bad…”

“The government,” Erwin starts, “Didn’t like being challenged, and this man challenged their very history. His son was curious, awed by his father’s theories, and spoke too loud. They took him away, tortured him. Killed him.”

“But he was right?”

“Yes. But it was hopeless. It didn’t matter. The titans grew in numbers, were too strong, and in the end, won against the people of the land.”

Levi sits back and presses his fingers to his chin. “That wasn’t very scary.”

“I suppose it depends on what perpetrates fear in you.”

Levi sits for a moment. His toes curl inside his boots. There’s a sickness that roils in his stomach at the thought.

“Imagine chasing a dream, only to be killed before finding it realized?”

Levi looks toward the fire, fidgets his fingers at the edge of his chair. “Imagine losing the person you love the most…”

The fire’s heat has sedated, papery coals burning orange through cracks of wood like dry skin. It pulses like a living thing, like a heartbeat, and it wheezes weak wisps of smoke into the sky. The pattering of rain hits the leaves of trees further away.

“I guess it’s kinda scary.”

“It’s just an idea I’ve had for awhile.”

“You should write it.”

Erwin chuckles and shakes his head. “I am not much of a writer.”

A rain droplet hits Levi’s cheek. Again. And again. The leaves shudder under the droplets, the fire hisses as it cools. “You have quite a mind.”

“You think?”

Levi looks over at him, and his scalp drips with rain, and his warm cheeks have grown cold and damp. “Let’s get some sleep.”

Erwin nods. He stands, steadies himself on the arm of the chair, and then holds out his hand for Levi to take. He pulls him up and into him, kisses him deep with his hand falling in the small of his back. The rain wets their lips, dampens their shirts, and it makes Levi smile–really smile–at the stimulation of life happening all around him.

He’s alive.

Erwin’s alive.

And they’re together.

“We’re all wet.” Erwin trails. He lazily guides them toward the tent.

“No shit.” Levi says as he unzips the front of the tent. He steps inside and plops immediately onto the air mattress. He kicks off his boots, but takes the time to put the laces inside and point them at the wall of the tent. “Take you shoes–”

Erwin stumbles into the tent and lands on top of Levi. The rain patters across rain fly, sprays slightly into the opening as the wind changes direction. Levi pulls at Erwin’s belt to drag him deeper into the tent before leaning over him and zipping it closed. “If I lived in a world like that,” Erwin said into the mattress, “I would want to be with you.”

“Well, luckily we aren’t.” Levi falls back onto Erwin. “So rest easy.”

Erwin rolls over, wraps his arms around Levi and buries his nose between Levi’s damp shoulder blades. “I will try.”

Levi squeezes his hand around Erwin’s forearm and nods into sleep. He dreams that night about friends that saw death too soon, and a nightmare world where Erwin died among the jaws of mangled metal. He startles awake, breathing so heavy that he can’t catch his breath, but the soothing touch of lips to the nape of his neck scares them all away. He doesn’t see anything else until the pink hues of the sunrise project across the canvas of the tent.  
  



	2. Words

Words had never been Levi’s strength, but he finds them more difficult now. Stands in line at the grocery store and rehearses what he’s going to say to the clerk, fidgeting anxiously with his wallet. Cash. He always carries cash. And it’s dirty and he thinks of the teenager’s fingers brushing against his when he gives back the change, just like he must have done three hundred times earlier, and he fidgets with his wallet and thinks of what to say and how to avoid this. His head snaps lazily to attention when his total is announced, he fumbles through the pocket of his wallet and hands over the bills, making sure to leave enough paper between him and the clerk. The young man says something, and Levi processes it in what feels like slow motion, drawing lazily through the belts of his mind like the conveyor that’s rolling up the next patron’s groceries. And he thinks, while he fidgets with his wallet, how retarded he must look and sound as the word “Thanks” tumbles out of his mouth. Like the feeling of hot coffee across his tongue, it escapes from the corners of his lips and he shakes his head at the bitterness that creeps at the back of his mind. He doesn’t make eye contact with the clerk, holds his hand out for change and the receipt and he feels the back of fingernails briefly scratch across his palm as the dirty money drops into it and he clenches his fist. Tight. So tight and his lips draw down in a frown and he nods with his head held between his shoulders as he scurries like a rat out of the grocery store.

Erwin returns home and Levi still has his hand running under water and he’s still thinking of how retarded he must have sounded and why the words will never come easy. Why his head feels so foggy and slow and he doesn’t even notice Erwin is home until he feels the hand on his back. Erwin reaches over and turns the water off, holds Levi’s hand in his, hot and pink and clammy. Levi doesn’t look up at him–he must look so stupid. So fucking stupid. And his head swims like it’s in water and he wants to turn the faucet back on but he doesn’t even have the strength for that. When did he get so weak? So fucking weak and tired and the words are so hard to say and think, like he needs to rewrite the dictionary every time he tries to open his mouth.

Erwin gets out a dish towel and holds Levi’s hand between it, squeezes it between both of his and then brings it down and up his arm to dry it completely. He sets the towel at the edge of the sink, moves to the stove and the  _click, click, click_  of the stove repeats in Levi’s head.  _Click click. Click click_. Erwin guides him to the opposite side of the counter, sits him at the stool and runs a gentle hand through his hair. In a few minutes there’s tea steeping in front of him, the calming scent of spices wafting through the room. He stretches the waterlogged hand and carefully brings it to the rim of the tea cup.

Erwin places a hand on Levi’s shoulder, and Levi looks up at him, but it’s easier to focus now, or maybe it’s just easier to focus around Erwin. His lips part slightly, Erwin shakes his head, and Levi puts the tea cup back down. It’s hot and the steam had caused his palm to sweat. He slumps in his seat, puts his forearms on the counter and sighs deep.

There’s words somewhere. But he doesn’t need them here. Erwin is patient, Erwin understands him, and they don’t need words if Levi isn’t ready to speak them. Even if he can never remember how to speak again, Erwin knows how to speak to him–soft lips pressed to his forehead saying all that needs to be said.


	3. October 31st, 1991

Levi’s too old to Trick or Treat. And he told Erwin that at least five hundred and eleven times, but he still has spent the past half hour at the dinner table cutting out triangles from paper plates to make cat ears. It takes him three tries until he gets it right, steals a Sharpie from Erwin’s desk and hastily colors them in, to then steal some tape from Erwin’s desk and attaches them to a handkerchief he found in the linen closet. He wraps the cloth around his head and ties it behind the base of his skull, adjusting it slightly by poking the tips of the ears with the centers of his palms.

“Ish cwoooked.” Erwin says, lips puffed out around big white plastic vampire dentures. He comes up to Levi and adjusted the cloth. He smiles big, the dried fake blood at the corner of his lip cracking across his skin. “Cooote.”

Levi sneers up at Erwin. “I’m a panther. Panthers aren’t cute.”

“Youuu lookth like a houssshh cath.”

“Take those fu–stupid teeth out.” Levi gathers up his mess and walks into the kitchen and throws it into the trash. He turns to face Erwin again and nearly shouts, “Gross!”

A string of drool connects from Erwin’s hand to his mouth, the fangs open and splayed on his palm. Erwin runs the sleeve of his dress shirt across his mouth, smearing red on the cuffs as he does. “Panthers have rounded ears.”

Levi walks up to him and takes a tissue out of his pocket. Ever since his sinus infection a year ago,he never left the house without at least four neatly folded into his jeans. He shakes the tissue out and dabs at Erwin’s lips before dropping it into his palm. “Shut up.”

“I can cut them for you.” Erwin’s grin remains intact, capped with silver bricks of braces across each tooth. “For accuracy.” He squeaks a laugh as he narrowly misses a fist into his stomach, and he follows Levi back out into the living room.

“I don’t even want to do this.” Levi huffs for the five hundred and twelfth time, gathering their canvas bags for candy toting. “Jeremy will…”

“I’ll take all of Jeremy’s candy before he even  _thinks_  of messing with us.”

Levi pauses, both totes slung over his shoulder. He quirks a smile and nods. “You should have gone as Robin Hood.”

Erwin crosses into the entryway, sits at the bench in front of the door, and pulls on his fancy loafers he wears at church. Levi follows and slips on his ragged and torn black sneakers. “Dad wouldn’t buy me a new costume this year.”

“You just turned fifteen…”

“That’s what he said.” Erwin looks up at him, lips thin, and his blue eyes popping vibrantly against the black collar of his vampire cape. “I don’t see what age has to do with it.”

Levi slips on his second shoe and pulls the door open. He looks behind him, at his best friend who has an imagination too big for his own good, doomed to be caged forever inside a life of discipline and education… And there’s a sadness in his eagerness that begs Levi for compassion that he can never quite escape from giving him. “I bet I get more candy tonight.”

“In  _that_  costume?” Erwin stands up and follows Levi out the door. He snaps on the button to his flashlight, and illuminates the dark porch down to the sidewalk as they begin their annual pilgrimage around the neighborhood. “That’s not even fair. You’ll only have more because they feel bad for you.”

“Asshole.” Levi quips, smacks Erwin’s arm, only to receive a rolling giggle from high in Erwin’s chest.

“Ok, ok. If you win, what do you get?”

“All your Twizzlers.”

“All right. And if I win…. Hmmm… I get all your Necco wafers.”

“Deal.”

They make it back home an hour later with their bags full of candy. They didn’t run into Jeremy even once, and Levi even received a compliment for being a very scary looking jaguar. They greet Erwin’s father in the living room before they make their way into Erwin’s room to dump their bags of candy out onto the floor to count their tallies. Levi wins, because he always does. Erwin calls for a recount, plays it like a political matter, and demands a second recount. He goes for a third, but, annoyed, Levi just starts outright stealing from Erwin’s pile, opening the wrappers, and shoving candy into his mouth.

“I forgot to wear my teeth!” Erwin says, throwing his head back against his mattress. He’s still wearing his cape and vest, but he’s removed the cravat from around his neck and it has somehow ended up around Levi’s instead.

“They looked dumb anyway.” Levi says, popping a peanut butter cup  _and_  an Almond Joy in his mouth at the same time. Chocolate pits at the corners of his mouth as he chews.

“I looked scary.” Erwin looks down his nose at Levi and smiles crookedly when he sees Levi rolling his eyes. Lulling his head forward, he raises his eyebrow. “How else will I suck people’s blood now?”

“Gnaw gently?” Levi imagines it for a moment… Erwin’s lips and teeth on his neck, and his eyes snap wide and feels the heat rising along his collar. He tries to think of Stacy at school–she’s kind of cute. Blonde hair, blue eyes… But her lips are shiny with lip gloss all the time, and they just wouldn’t… “Like an old man vampire. Gum them to death.” There. Old men are gross.

Erwin laughs. He helps Levi sort their candy out, giving all his Twizzlers over and taking all the Necco wafers in return. He chews on a caramel with his mouth open as he talks. Levi has given up on telling him and shouldn’t be eating sticky things with braces. “Imagine being turned into a vampire when you’re that old? After you lost all your teeth? Doesn’t seem fair.” He swallows loudly, and his forming Adam’s apple bobs as he does.

“Yeah, well, life ain’t fair.”

“Big words from such a small kid.”

“I’m not a kid.” Levi shoots. He throws a bag of fruit snacks at Erwin’s face.

“Ah, right, right. You’re in  _middle school_.” Erwin laughs again and is tackled down onto the floor by his small panther counterpart. “Ah! My house cat has gone rabid!” His laughter turns to giggling as Levi presses his forehead roughly into his chest as he lets out a throaty growl. “I’m scared!”

Levi turns his head up and snaps his teeth at him. “Grr!”

Erwin pushes his face away and shoves him lightly to the side. He tries to escape, but Levi’s body has Erwin’s cape pinned to the floor and Levi pounces on him again, growling more like a dog than a cat. He keeps pinning Erwin as he tries to get away, the growling turning into mutual giggling, until the giggling ends and Erwin is pushing back.

“Hey, hey!” Erwin says, swatting Levi’s hand away. He unties his cape and tries to wriggle away. “Knock it off, Levi.”

“W-what?”

“That’s enough. Knock it off.”

Levi sits up and scrambles away. He’s breathing heavy and Erwin’s change in tone chills him straight through–like that time he was caught in the bathroom smoking a cigarette. “S-sorry.”

Erwin sits up and adjusts his vest. He shakes his head. “It’s ok.” He doesn’t look up at Levi as he swallows a few times and shakes his head again. “You just got me in the rib a little too hard.”

They rough housed a lot, had since their friendship first started. The surrenders never happened like this. “I didn’t mean to.”

“I know you didn’t. I’m just…” Erwin says. He stands up and runs his hands through his hair and sighs. “I’m going to go get ready for bed. Are you staying over tonight?”

“Can I?”

“We got you a new sleeping bag. It’s in the closet.”

Levi nods, still feeling a bit dazed by the change of mood. Erwin goes to his dresser and pulls out a fresh t-shirt, underwear, and sleeping pants and leaves the room without another word. He returns almost an hour later, hair damp, and a smile plastered on his lips. Levi had cleaned up the floor and put out his sleeping things, dressed out of his pants and cat ears, but still wore the oversized black sweater and his white crew cut socks. The uncertain guilt still roils around in his head and makes him feel sick. But maybe it was the candy. “I’m sorry.” Levi says again.

Erwin walks over and falls loftily onto his bed, arms out and legs hanging over the edge. Levi looks up at him with quiet curiosity. “It’s no big deal! I’m fine now.” Erwin gets up on his elbows and looks down at Levi, smiling still. “Thank you.”

“Ok…” Levi gets up to move toward the door to do his before bed routine, and to maybe throw up a little bit.

Erwin sits up properly and pots his hand on Levi’s shoulder. “I know you didn’t want to do this tonight. But I had a lot of fun. So, thank you.”

Levi studies him and nods, returning a soft smile. “I couldn’t have you go out there alone with Jeremy roaming the streets.”

Erwin laughs and lets his hand fall to the side of him in bed. He kicks his feet up and lays down properly, kicking the sheets down to the foot of the bed. Even in winter he rarely slept under the covers. “He’s such an asshole.”

Levi smiles wider until the grip on his heart strangles it away. He likes Erwin… Too much. “A dirty, smelly, shitty asshole.”

Erwin’s smile fades too as he closes his eyes. He’s asleep by the time Levi comes back from washing up, and he feels weird and sick and wrong that he can’t stop staring at him while he sleeps.


	4. Prom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For minxiebutt. A script, because I love her podfics, and I want her to spoil me. ;)

Levi: You’re going to prom with  _her?_

Erwin: Come on, what do you have against Becky?

_Pause_

Levi: I dunno. Nothing I guess.

Erwin: Hm..

Levi: Wait, no. She… She dated what the fuck… Oh shit. Yeah, she dated  _Nile_  for awhile.

_Erwin laughs softly_

Erwin: Oh yeah, she did, didn’t she?

Levi: God, I bet he’s fuckin’ losin’ his mind.

Erwin: He hasn’t said anything.

Levi: He’s a coward, that’s why.

Erwin: Or he’s my friend and wants me to be happy?

Levi: Nah, he’s a coward.

_Erwin sighs_

Erwin: It’s not like I even want to go anyway.

Levi: Don’t blame you. Prom is stupid.

Erwin: Yeah…

Levi: And for losers.

Erwin: So you’re definitely going to go?

_Erwin laughs, Levi growls, Clothes rustling, Slap on skin_

Levi: Fuck you!

Erwin: Hey! Hey…

_Brief pause_

Erwin: Seriously. I don’t want to go…

Levi: Then don’t.

_Erwin sighs and tuts_

Erwin: My dad says I should. He says I’ll regret it if I don’t.

Levi: Dumb.

Erwin: He and my mom went to prom together. Of course, then they went to the same college, got married shortly after graduating… I think he’s hoping the same will happen with me.

_Levi barks a laugh_

Levi: You? Marry your high school sweetheart? As if you  _have_  one.

_Erwin huffs a nervous laugh_

Erwin: Yeah… I’m afraid I didn’t get lucky enough to fall for a nice young belle, huh?

_Extended Pause_

Levi: You should go.

Erwin: Hm?

Levi: Nile will be there, right?

Erwin: He’s taking Stephanie Cruller.

Levi: The donut girl?

_Erwin laughs_

Erwin: You’re terrible…

Levi: I bet if he eats her out, all his rotten ass teeth will fall right out of his stupid head.

Erwin: Levi!

_Both laugh,_ _Erwin is still chuckling a little_

Erwin: Ok, but who would  _you_  take?

_Levi talks with a smile on his voice_

Levi: I’d take Stephanie.

Erwin: Why’s that?

Levi: What if I get hungry?

_Both laugh_

Erwin: You don’t even like sweets!

Levi: But I do hate Nile…

Erwin: Why are we even friends…

Levi: I don’t know. He’s fuckin’ awful.

Erwin: No! You moron! I meant you and me!

_Both laugh_

Levi: But really… Becky’s pretty.

Erwin: Yeah.

_Brief silence_

Levi: She’s… Uh…

Erwin: I guess it will be a good time.

Levi: Maybe.

_Pause_

Levi: Don’t bother calling me when she breaks up with you.

_Erwin chuckles_

Erwin: Why would she do that?

Levi: Who wants to go to prom with somebody that doesn’t know how to dance?

Erwin: That one time! And I’ll never…!

Levi: Nope. I didn’t even know it was possible to have three left feet. And yet, here you sit before me…

Erwin: I’ll show you. I’ll show you that I can dance! Someday…

Levi: Is that a threat?

Erwin: It’s a  _promise_.


	5. Interruption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a soft AU to this AU where they're happy and have kitties and have sex a lot yeah
> 
> for the lovely commander eyebrows, as i asked him for a prompt and he said furbabies and i bastardized it with sex. whoops

The sun peels Erwin’s skin into orange flesh, and Levi lays so close to him that he can see every fine hair on the tip of his nose. He lets his eyes wander, draw and commit him to memory like he tends to do every morning–like he lives to forget and relearn. He watches as his septum twitches when he lets a soft snore flutter between his lips. The dark hair on his chin, grown over two lazy days, catches the light and sparkles with every minute twitch of his jaw. The scar on his cheek beats pink like a grapefruit, and Levi touches it with the back of his finger, feels the dip in his skin with his knuckle, and smiles a little in return when Erwin shifts awake.

“Mornin’.” Erwin grumbles, eyes still closed, but dry lips pull tight in a grin that glows a burnt amber. His voice sounds like cracked honeycomb, and Levi leans over and harvests the soft taste of sweetness from them.

“Hey.” Levi touches his nose to the sharp ridge of Erwin’s cheekbone. 

Erwin squints his eyes open, blue eyes hollowing in the rich shine of the light. He reaches up and pushes dark strands away from Levi’s face, his finger trailing down Levi’s cheek, his palm opening to cup along his jaw. “You’re beautiful.”

Levi moves his lips to Erwin’s again. Every morning he touches them, practices his vows of endearment with them, as if saying them enough times will be enough to carry over into the afterlife. Erwin shifts Levi’s body onto him, his arms fitting around him perfectly, pieced together across his lower back and pressing him into his chest. “Wrong.” Levi mutters behind a smile, wets his lips and kisses him again, a shiver seizing up his spine and causing his hips to rut into Erwin.

Erwin hums, guides one hand down the curve of a back muscle until it reaches Levi’s hip. His hand slips under the waistband of his boxers, and cups the roundness of Levi’s ass. “Sexy, then.”

Levi closes his eyes, “Whatever.” Levi rolls his hips slowly, and the pressure of Erwin’s hand grows, his body edging closer and deeper to the swelling arousal in Erwin’s underwear. “I’m horny.” Levi whines, his hands finding their ways around Erwin’s side and up his chest and along his collar bones.

If honey didn’t sound sweet enough, pure sugar came bubbling from Erwin’s laugh. “You don’t say?”

Levi raises himself up, Erwin’s hands falling away from him as he adjusts his legs on either side of Erwin’s hips. With the same slow ebbing grind, he drags his clothed cock against Erwin’s, his hands steadying on a broad chest with course hair that looks near invisible in the gold of the morning. “I want you to use me.”

Hands find every divot in his muscles, find him and trace him like a sculptor finding anatomy in stone. Erwin ruts up into Levi, groans as his underwear tents and his cock sits heated next to Levi’s. “Why?” Erwin breathes out, and the honey has turned to sap that sticks to the lining of his throat.

Levi moans in response. He pulls the waistband of his boxers down, his cock exposed, his other hand coming up to loosely grasp it and pump as he grinds against Erwin. It doesn’t take long for his hand to slicken, for his teasing to rouse an agitation in Erwin that forces Levi to flip on his back. He growls like a beast, snaps at Levi’s neck and jaw and ears as he presses his length to Levi’s covered ass.

“Do something about it.” Levi hisses, writhing under Erwin who has him pinned to the bed. “ _Fuck_  me.”

The foreplay is quick, and the sweat along Levi’s back catches the sun with every sway of his body against Erwin. His hands grip the edge of the dresser as he moves slowly–agonizingly slow–up and down the length of Erwin’s cock. They breathe sometimes, the air getting caught in their chests when Levi pushes hard against Erwin, takes so much of him that he feels electricity shock all the way up and into the tendon of his neck. When Erwin starts pushing back, when his hips start to fall into a rhythm that matches the panting of his lungs, Levi stands upright. He moans as he feels Erwin’s heavy cock drop between his legs, and he gasps when Erwin pushes him into the dresser, hungry and huffing against his ear. He forces Levi’s head down with the palm of his hand, licks up his spine–from nape to the base of his skull–and fucks the thigh muscles of Levi’s closed legs until he hits his fevered pace again.

“ _Erwin_.” Levi growls. He reaches behind him and pinches the softness of his belly with his fingernails.

“Ow, Levi.” Erwin’s motions hiccup, and he steps aside, his hand coming up immediately to continue the job on himself.

Levi turns, pushes Erwin’s hand away, and drives him to sit on the edge of the bed. “Up.” Levi commands, and Erwin obeys. “Further up.” Erwin shuffles up the bed until his legs are sprawled in front of him, and Levi can’t help but grin as he watches Erwin, not once, but twice deny his own hand to his cock. “Good.” Levi climbs on the bed alongside Erwin and turns his back. He sidles backward on Erwin, reaches behind him and guides Erwin’s cock back into him. His hips roll slowly, his arms perching his body upright between Erwin’s legs. The angle hits his prostate perfectly, and his cock leaks as he fucks Erwin so long that his legs begin to tense up.

“Oh,  _Levi_.” Erwin groans, grabbing ahold of Levi’s hips, controlling his speed as he thrusts up to meet him. One hand moves up Levi’s back, down the valley of his spine, back up to hold at the base of his nape. He thrusts sharply up, and Levi cries out, head falling forward with his body as he slides off of Erwin once again. “No. No no,  _Levi.”_

Levi turns around, and Erwin is sitting up, hungry and fevered and smacking his lips against Levi’s. Biting and moaning and growling and mutters, “Levi,  _fuck_ , I  _love_  you.” And he pulls Levi’s small body into his lap, waits for Levi to wrap his legs around his backside, and presses his cock back into Levi’s entrance.

They hold each other, and the fever breaks. Their naked bodies press together, wet with sweat, golden with light, and red with lust. Levi moves on him slowly, fucks him like time doesn’t exist. Erwin looks down at him, eyes half lidded and white teeth peeking between pursed lips. He studies Levi like Levi had done to him earlier. Levi watches Erwin’s eyes trace over him, sees the moment that love overwhelms him and forces him to kiss away the emotions on his lips. Levi’s arms wrap tightly around Erwin’s neck, his chin resting on Erwin’s shoulder as they move together. Breathe together. Love together.

Levi’s eyes flutter open, and a different kind of feeling fills his chest. He slaps Erwin’s back a few times as he says, “Fuck! Holy shit! Look!” 

Erwin kisses Levi’s neck. “What is it?”

“Just look!” He tries to squirm out of Erwin’s arms, but Erwin keeps him pinned tight to his chest.

Erwin swings his head away from Levi and looks around the room. He runs a hand down Levi’s back and presses another kiss to his neck. “I don’t see anything. Come on.”

“God dammit. Lemme…” Levi manages to wiggle out away from Erwin, and Erwin sighs dejectedly at his unspent cock. Levi pinches Erwin’s tummy again and nods his head toward the pillows of their bed. In a soft whisper he says, “ _Look_.”

Erwin turns his head and lets out a soft gasp. In a whisper that matches Levi’s, he replies, “Oh,  _wow_.”

On their pillows lays Nugget, little black ball of fur sleeping soundly between the crevice of both pillows. She had not acclimated well to Levi moving back in with Erwin. The house was much too large, and she didn’t seem to completely trust this new tall blond intruder. It’d been three weeks, and Levi only ever saw her come out to eat before stowing away in the linen closet or up on the tallest shelf in the laundry room. He missed the brat.

“She’s so fuckin’ cute.” Levi whispers. Erwin chuckles, and Levi smacks his hand on his shoulder with a shush. “She’s sleeping on your pillow more.”

“Do you think she likes me?”

Levi rests his head on Erwin’s shoulder. “She tolerates you.”

“Just like you?”

Levi tilts his head and kisses Erwin’s arm. “Yeah.”

Erwin turns his head back around and down into his lap. “Hm…”

“Do you think you can be quiet?”

Erwin looks up at Levi. He nods.

“And not move much?”

Erwin juts his jaw and nods again. “Yes,” he whispers.

Levi takes hold of Erwin’s cock, kisses Erwin slowly as he begins to pump him just as tenderly as he had fucked him earlier. “I love you.” He says between kisses. Says it again as he licks trails along his collar bone. Says it when he nips at the stubble along his neck.

And Erwin comes with a gasp that sticks so deep in his chest that his whole face contorts. However, it does nothing to disturb the Nugget that remains resting contently on the pillows behind them. 


	6. Desire

Levi knows what he’s doing, and it doesn’t sit well with him. But there’s a part of him that ignores it despite the flags that raise one after the other in his head. It’s the way that he tilts his hip, the way he presses his lips into his shoulder, the way he doesn’t bother to push the hair from his face. Erwin looks at him but he’s looking  _through_  him. 

Erwin fills his glass at the sink and takes a sip, his eyes still trained on the papers in his hand. He knocks his hip into the kitchen island, cursing as a bit of water splashes onto his paper and he shakes his head. Levi remains in the kitchen, his hand squeezing the rag in his hand, and shakes his head as well as he finishes cleaning the counters.

He knows what he’s doing, but he doesn’t understand why. God knows he wasn’t made pretty–sunken eyes, short stature, big ears. The cocked nose and claws of scars across his chest and legs didn’t help. He wasn’t savory–he was sour and bitter, and Erwin was a man that always had a sweet tooth.

Levi finishes cleaning in the kitchen and hesitantly makes his way to the living room. He drys his hands on a towel hanging out of his pocket and he anxiously shifts in his spot. He’s waiting for Erwin to look up at him, to notice him, but it doesn’t come. He clears his throat and looks at boxes lining the wall. They’re still there, but they’re dwindling. Every weekend they keep disappearing. Erwin is doing better. They’re doing better. Levi has even started staying over again. It’s in the guest room, but it’s progress. It’s all progress.

But that’s it. They’re friends again, not partners. They don’t touch like they did–maybe a squeeze to an arm in a sign of solidarity. Of a job well done. But Levi craves Erwin’s touch, and sometimes he sees Erwin looking at him in the ways that made his stomach flip. It’s like a heat that suffocates the air, and sometimes it’s too hard to even be in the same room with him. That sometimes he misses the small box of his studio apartment and his two cats and his television–because it’s simpler. He doesn’t have to think. He doesn’t have to feel tortured by the feelings he has and always will have for Erwin.

He clicks his tongue and tries to find something to say, but he can’t. Erwin doesn’t look up. He turns with a sway of his hips and looks back in the kitchen. There’s nothing left to clean. Dinner isn’t for another few hours. He closes his eyes and turns his head toward the foyer. He should just leave. He’s overstaying his welcome. Erwin is preoccupied and clearly doesn’t want him here. Maybe he never needs him here. Maybe it’s all been a lie and Erwin is just humoring him for reasons Levi hasn’t been able to figure out. He bites his lip as his heartbeat heightens and he feels a tightness wrap around his throat like a noose. It pulls, it pulls him up and up and he feels the suffocation that turns his eyes red and his skin purple and–

“Levi,” Erwin says. He stands at the space between the rooms, his hands empty and his eyes focused on Levi. “What’s wrong?”

Levi blinks and searches Erwin’s face before he lets his eyes drop. He only now notices that he’s been rubbing his thumb raw against the towel at his waist. “Nothing,” he croaks, but the lie is so apparent that it makes him sigh in agitation. 

“Talk to me.” Erwin steps forward, and the heat turns to an inferno, and Levi doesn’t mean to step away. “Please.”

“It’s nothing.” Levi braces his hand on the counter and hangs his head. Erwin closes the space and places a hand on Levi’s back. Every muscle in Levi’s body tenses and he feels a shiver go through his body. He doesn’t want to be touched. He doesn’t deserve to be touched. He is bitter and sour; he’s not a sweet thing. “It’s nothing.”

Erwin’s fingers flex against Levi’s shoulder blades, and it drags a shuddered breath from Levi. He misses Erwin. He misses his touch, the feeling of being desired, of feeling those fingers on his bare skin, worshiping him in ways that he never experienced before. That he never even dared himself to imagine. And now he wonders if it ever even happened–if it had been nothing but a dream that he continued to dream. A nightmare that did nothing but drag his heart out to bake in the sun until it became worn out and useless. 

Erwin steps closer, and Levi is on fire. He squeezes his eyes shut as his hand wrings in the towel. Erwin’s chest touches his shoulder, and breathing is hard. So fucking hard. He squints back at the foyer, and everything in him shouts: flee, flee, flee.

Erwin moves his hand to Levi’s shoulder and squeezes it. Holds it. Keeps Levi there and grounded even though he feels untethered and afloat. He leans down and hovers over Levi, as if they’re both floating, before finally placing a kiss on top of his head. It’s quick and short, but it pops the anxiety that has wound up around Levi so quickly that he leans heavily into the counter. Levi glides his head up to look at Erwin, eyebrows upturned and confused and he shakes his head like that’s at all what he wants. “Erwin…”

“Thank you for coming over.” Erwin runs his thumb against Levi’s shoulder, and he smiles the smile that has always been reserved for Levi. “Will you be staying again tonight?”

Levi’s hand relaxes and he looks out past Erwin and into the living room. He swallows, trying to find words again. “We have cleaning to do. It depends on…”

“You don’t need an excuse to stay.” Erwin tilts his head, and Levi looks at him again. “You don’t need an excuse to leave either.” His thumb keeps moving, and it doesn’t sedate Levi’s heartbeat. “Ok?”

“Ok.”

Erwin leans over and kisses Levi’s hair again, leaving his nose there to rub at his scalp a few times before kissing one last time and stepping back. He starts to move toward the living room, but Levi grabs him by the arm and pulls him back, presses his forehead to Erwin’s chest and nods. He swallows and swallows until he knows that those tears won’t come up, even though it doesn’t get easier when Erwin wraps his arms around him. Holds him. Is there for him.

He doesn’t deserve this.

He isn’t worth this.

Erwin squeezes him.

He could be…

He is…

Erwin rubs his back. Kisses the crown of his head.

He deflates and says with devotion and dedication and a love he’s never lost: “I’ll stay.”


	7. Pinky Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by a conversation with ladymacbethsspot

Levi and Erwin had a reputation on Iron Street, albeit it a negative one. Levi was small, an orphan in all senses of the word, and poor. His best friend was Erwin, a moderately sized boy two years his senior, which earned Erwin a bit of scrutiny as well. An eighth grader hanging out with a six grader was taboo–laughable even. Boys who enjoyed make-believe for too long–long sticks that they dragged across pavement and clashed against each other like medieval swords.

They lived in their own world because it suited them, because their own reality was often times a bit too much to handle. Too overwhelming to think about parents that should be there to greet them with hugs and kisses. Too raw to think about school and futures and friends when falling into imagination ripped them away from their bodies and made them somebody else. It was easier that way. Levi didn’t judge Erwin, and Erwin didn’t judge Levi.

Vince warned the boys to be careful, gave them curfews of the setting sun that Erwin always made sure they adhered to. They treated each other’s poison ivy, removed ticks from their clothes, and applied generous amounts of sunscreen to each other’s faces. They climbed trees until Erwin grew too uncomfortable, and Levi would climb two branches taller. They spent summers at the lake, timing how long each could hold their breaths–Erwin’s size allowing him to secure the win every time.

They were inseparable. Levi was a shadow; Erwin the rock.

Erwin stood up for Levi. Jeremy was the first of many thorns that stuck in Levi, that threatened to drag him down and nag negativity into his brain. They played make-believe, but that didn’t matter. Sticks were real, and sticks hurt.

“Erwin, I’m disappointed,” Vince said. His arms were crossed across his chest, his glasses low on his nose. “If you had a problem, you should have come to me first.”

Erwin eyed Levi who was standing next to the recliner near the entrance. He was barely taller than the back of the chair. “I know, dad.”

“You fight with words, not with sticks.”

Erwin nodded, shuffled in his spot, and sighed. “I know, dad.”

“Levi can’t stay the night, now. You understand? You’ve revoked that privilege.”

Erwin’s eyes went wide and latched desperately to Levi’s which were doing the same. Levi gripped the arm cushion on the recliner, and he saw the tears that glistened at the edges of his eyes. Erwin blinked and looked back at his father. “Ok… But…”

“Hm?”

“It’s late. May I walk him home?”

Vince moved a hand to his face and the scrape of his fingers along his beard filled the dead air between them. He nodded. “You may walk him home, as long as you are back in a half hour.”

Erwin turned to Levi and smiled, and Levi tried to return it. They walked an arm’s length away until they turned onto Levi’s street, the turn in direction driving them closer together until their arms nearly touched as they walked. The sun had gone down and the street lamps clicked on with a buzzing hum. It haloed Levi’s dark hair an orange, and made Erwin look damn near angelic. Levi tried to keep his eyes to himself.

Walking up the steps to the porch, Erwin looked down at Levi, forced a smile, and placed a hand on his shoulder. “It’s ok, Levi.”

“I don’t want you fighting for me.”

“He pushed you first.”

Levi looked at the door. “I can take care of myself.”

“I know…” Erwin looked down at their feet. “I wanted to, though.”

“I can do it.”

“Levi…”

“I can do it!” Levi shouted. He brushed Erwin’s hand off his shoulder and stomped his foot. He pulled the screen door open, nearly smashing it into Erwin’s face. Erwin placed his hand on top of Levi’s and his other back on his shoulder. “Don’t touch me!”

Erwin moved his hand up onto the edge of the door and wrenched it from Levi’s grip. “Promise me.”

Levi looked up at him, eyes wide.

“Promise me.”

“What?” Levi’s eyes narrowed.

Erwin drew his arm down and held up his pinky. Levi looked at it with a cocked eyebrow. “That you’ll take care of yourself.”

Levi glared at the finger and scowled. “I…”

“I just need you to promise me. I need to remind myself.”

Levi bit his lip and nodded once. He brought his finger out and linked it with Erwin’s. “Pinky promise.”

“Pinky promise.” Erwin shook their hand once before unlatching their fingers. He pat Levi’s back once before stepping away. “I’ll be by in the morning.”

“It’s Saturday, though. Won’t your–”

“I know.” He smiled big, his braces catching the porch light and making them glisten. He looked ridiculous, and it made Levi smile back.

Levi reached for the door again and opened it. “See ya.”

“See you tomorrow.”

—

They hadn’t been to the lake in over twenty years. They sit in the damp sand at the quiet time before sunrise. Erwin has a coffee tumbler sitting next to him, buried halfway into the sand, heat trailing into steam through the sipping hole. He wraps his arms around his legs and rests his chin on his knees. He sighs, the chill illustrating it into the air as he presses his cheek to his knee.

Some days it’s hard to remember. Just like those days, he wishes he could make believe. That they could wander the streets pretending to be wizards or giant beasts that demolished towns. He remembers the smiles and the way it felt to sedate the pain in his heart.

He doesn’t know how to now. Not on his own. But maybe he never knew how.

“You ok?” Levi says. He leans back on his hands, his head falling back. The stars are fading away on the warm awakening of the morning–pinks and purples fading them out into silence.

“I miss him.” Erwin says, quietly. But it feels good to say it. He could never say it before. “He was good to us.”

Levi nods and brings his head back down. He tilts it toward Erwin but says nothing.

“I wish I had been a good son.”

“Don’t say that.” Levi says.

“He didn’t ask for much. He just wanted a son and a wife and…”

“Erwin.”

Erwin looks at him and blinks. He swallows and it feels dry, so he unfolds from himself and chugs down half of his coffee even though it burns his throat. He sucks in a breath and feels tears stinging at the edges of his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Knock it off.” Levi turns his attention to the lake. The water pulls in and out lazily–much more tempered than the ocean they hadn’t been to in years. “He was proud.” Levi rolls his head and shrugs once. “I’m proud.”

Erwin puts his coffee back down and folds on himself again. “But…”

“I never knew I’d have to fight you for you.”

“What do you mean?”

Levi turns his head and cautiously locks eyes with Erwin. He holds his arm out, at the end of it, an extended pinky. “Promise me.”

“What?”

“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.” He twitched his pinky as an invitation.

“Levi,” Erwin whispered with a huff of amusement.

“When has our lives ever been easy? You’re here, and you’re doing well. Now promise me you’ll continue. That you’ll fuckin’ think before you say shit like that again.”

Erwin looks at the pinky then at Levi. He can’t hold the smile back. “But I–”

“Or I’ll kick your dumbass so hard they’ll need dental records to identify you.”

Erwin chuckles and offers his finger. They latch and shake once. “Pinky promise.”

Levi grins softly with a huff of a laugh himself. “Pinky promise.”


	8. The Uncle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the-memoirs-of-a
> 
> warning: hateful speech

Kenny’s a true man of reinvention in the pursuit of the American dream. He’s lived at least seven different lives across twenty states, following jobs that required little education but rewarded the practicalness of his common sense, strength, and particular lack of empathy. He dabbled in construction, handyman projects, trafficking, bouncing. Under the table payments that required nothing more than a first name, Kenny was a modern drifter–a man without an address much less a place to dream. He rode a bike, wore leather that became part of his skin, snorted cocaine off of dirty tables and equally dirty broads, and fucked whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted, however he wanted.

Despite it all, Kenny valued family. He only had one left, so it made it easier to gather those fragments of humanity and tape them together with duct tape. The timing varied, but he never missed calling Kuschel once a month. He sent her large bills and money orders through the mail when she was struggling with rent and food. He showed up at her baby daddy’s house one night with a knife drawn, telling that sack of shit to never miss another child support payment or he’d make it so he could never fuck another brat into this world. He told her she didn’t have to do side work. He could keep sending her money. She was too beautiful. Too smart. She had a child to take care of.

She never listened, because she was just as stubborn as Kenny. It was an Ackerman trait, she told him. As much as Kenny wanted to agree, as much as he loved Kuschel… He never understood the love she had for Levi.

Kenny was never meant to be a parent, and the day she died, he cried for the first time since he screamed in his first breath. The Ackerman line shuddered in Levi–Kenny saw himself in that little face that tried so hard to not cry in return. And it tore him more, he hid his face behind his baseball cap, and he tried to ignore the whimpering and sniffles that came from the boy he decided he would raise. Not because he wanted to, he could give a fuck about this little shit, but because for some reason–for some stupid fucking reason–his sister loved this little brat, and he loved her more than anything.

Ten years is a long time for a man that hates to be held down. All things considered, Levi didn’t need much attention after he befriended the Smith boy a few blocks away. It was 10PM and Kenny was half high and mostly drunk, groaning awake as the door closed a little too loudly. It stoked him to quick anger, and he shouted the words as if they were a singularity. “Why’d ya even bother comin’ back, kid?”

“Fuck you, dickhead.” Levi kicked his shoes off against the wall while he pulled at the cuffs of his jacket.

“Don’t fuckin’ talk to me like that,” Kenny spat. He stared at Levi who didn’t offer him an ounce of recognition before he slipped off to his room. It was different than usual. They didn’t have a good relationship, and Kenny didn’t give a fuck about Levi, but something was wrong. He contemplated getting up to knock on Levi’s door, have a good old heart to heart or whatever. His head hit the back of the couch, and it took very little time before he passed out again.

The next several days Levi came home after school. “What the fuck are you doin’ here? Smith-boy don’t want yer freeloadin’ ass ‘round anymore?” Kenny snorted. “Not that I blame ‘im.”

Levi shrugged, walked past Kenny into the kitchen and opened the fridge to pull out some bologna and American cheese. “Guess not.”

Kenny paused. “Huh?” Kenny didn’t care about Levi, but that Smith boy sure did. “Do I gotta go over there and show ‘im some manners?”

Levi shook his head. He took two slices of white bread, slapped the meat and cheese in between, and took a big bite. He turned and headed toward his room, head down, and mouth chewing slowly.

“Do I gotta teach you some too?”

Levi stopped dead in the hallway. His shoulders squared, his hand with the sandwich falling to his side. He said nothing for a long time before bringing the sandwich back up and taking a small bite. With a shift on his heel, he glared up at Kenny, swallowed, and narrowed his eyes. “I’m joining the military.”

Kenny barked a laugh, put his hands on his hips, and felt something like pride for the boy.

A few months later, Kenny ended that life, tallied it along with the others, and moved back onto the road. He left Levi in that big house, said he’d be back to transfer ownership of it to Levi. He left a post-it note with the words “Happy Hanukkah” and a few thousand dollars to hold him over until bootcamp in the summer. Kenny didn’t give a shit about Levi, but he didn’t hate him either.

Kenny was hard to find, but he made sure Levi had a way to contact him. Just in case. He didn’t care, but Levi was his sister’s son, so as long as he lived, he’d be available. The pain and fear hit his chest like it had with Kuschel when he heard about Levi’s squad. He spent every day calling the hospital for an update, until Levi was finally capable of talking again.

“What do you want?” Levi said.

“Just makin’ sure you survived. I didn’t raise no rat.”

Levi huffed. “You didn’t raise shit.”

“Yeah, ain’t that the truth.” Kenny coughed a laugh into his hand. “You ok, kiddo?”

There was a silence over the phone, then a sigh. “No.”

Kenny flips a coin in his hand, slaps it to the table and lifts the corner of his palm. He grunts. “I gotta go.”

“Kenny,” Levi said sharply.

“Yeah?”

“Can you tell… Can you tell Erwin…”

Kenny nodded, realized that Levi couldn’t see him, and said: “I already did.”

Years passed and Kenny traveled, but as his joints grew older and his reactions less quick, he found his way around home. He recalled old habits, got into selling drugs because he was good at it and knew how to hold his own as age did well to carve hollows into his eyes and define the frown along his mouth. People were scared of him; people respected him.

However, he narrowly escaped jail time when he ran too close to new blood–found himself at the mercy of a rich blond gentleman that talked sweeter than honey and confused the pigs like a pack of dogs looking for a scent until they left the scene, bewildered and beaten. Kenny had intended to get these political jokers all fucked up, leave empty handed and a wallet full of money, but this man stepped up. Put a hand between his shoulder blades. Held out his hand.

“Uri Reiss.” The man said.

“ _The_  Uri Reiss?” Kenny replied.

Uri nodded, and the lines around his mouth were from smiles like the one he was offering. Soft blue eyes that didn’t dare to threaten. Three piece suit that promised fame. A family name that spoke old money. Kenny smoothed his lips out to a thin smile, took the man’s hand heartily, and shook it once.

“Kenny.”

Uri gave him honest work for the first time in his life. He made an office desk comfortable to sit in. Kenny found, for the first time since losing Kuschel, a person worth believing in. Kenny found, for the first time since raising Levi, a part of himself that wanted to dedicate to more. It was as ill-fitting and uncomfortable as the dress shirts he wore, but love wasn’t much of a fit for him either.

Levi asked to come back to visit. Kenny stumbled over his words for the first time in God knows how long. Fumbled with unbuttoning a suit jacket as he held the cordless phone to his ear. “I’m back in Pittsburgh.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I just need to get outta here.”

Kenny struggled with the arm of his jacket, pressed a number to his cheek by accident, sounding a tone in the call. “Sorry.”

“Well?”

“Sure, kid. Whatever. Just don’t make a fuckin’ mess.”

Levi arrived a month later. He had nothing but a rucksack and a pack of cigarettes. He didn’t even offer a handshake when he stepped into the brownstone. He removed his boots, pointed them at the wall, and placed the laces inside. Kenny showed him to his room, showed him how the shower worked, where the silverware was. Levi watched him carefully, eyebrow raised. “Uri will be home soon. He has a board meeting until late.”

“Who’s that?”

Kenny turned and looked down at Levi. His lips twitched before he shrugged. “Roommate.”

“Uri Reiss…”

Kenny turned to leave the kitchen.

“Aren’t you too fucking hold to be a secretary?”

“Mind your own business under my roof, brat.”

The work week continued, and Levi’s teeth grew sharper, more quick. “Uri’s president of Reiss Law.”

Kenny dragged the straight razor down his neck, flicked the foam off into the sink, and dragged again. “Yeah.”

“How did you…”

Kenny looked at Levi through the mirror, jaw jutted out and silver eyes narrow. “Boy…”

The third day Levi pieced it together. He waited until Uri retired to the bedroom–the bedroom he knew now was shared between Uri and his uncle–and confronted Kenny. “An old fag, huh?”

“No.” Kenny sucked in a breath of his cigarette and streamed the smoke out of his nose.

“How many times did you–”

“Shut up.”

“You, of all fuckin’ people, I can’t fuckin’ belie–”

“Levi.” Kenny stared at Levi, pressed the end of his cigarette into the ashtray. “If you accuse me one more time…”

“ _You’re an old faggot_.”

Kenny stood from his seat and smoothed out his shirt. With over fifty years of dirty fighting, he wasn’t afraid to beat the shit out of his nephew–no matter how many men Levi may have killed. “Get the fuck out.”

“You gonna hit me?”

“I jus’ might.”

Levi’s nose flared, eyes blowing wide. He stomped one foot forward. “I ain’t a kid anymore.”

“Kid?” Kenny’s fists clenched. His eyes narrowed. Kenny smacked his lips once. “Kid? You ain’t never been a kid. You’ve been nothin’ but a piece of shit. To me, to your mom, hell, probably even that Smith-kid.”

Levi’s eyebrows knit. He stepped back.

“So you wanna call me some sissy faggot, I really,  _really_  suggest you step down on outta this house before you wish you fuckin’ died out next to one of those sand niggers.” Kenny flung a wrist out, pointing firmly at the door. “It was  _really_  great seein’ ya, runt.”

Levi huffed once, twice, before turning on his heels down the hall to get his bag, coming back to the entrance and grabbing his boots and leaving out the door without putting them on. He slammed the door so hard a picture frame fell from the wall, and the door knobs rattled through the house.

Kenny stood at the door, staring at it. He squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his finger and thumb to the inner corner of his eyes. He breathed out slowly before reaching for the door handle and swinging it open. He rushed down the stoop stairs to the sidewalk, looked all around before going up and down a block in either direction before taking a seat on the steps. Legs spread wide, he hung his head and tented his fingers between them, shaking his head as he thought of every. stupid. fucking. thing. he said.

The door opened behind him, and Uri shuffled down a few steps and sat next to Kenny. The puffy crimson robe was drawn tight around him, the fall night air being particularly chilly this year. “Kenny…” He said his name with the one emotion Kenny hated hearing: disappointment. 

“I know.” Kenny sighed. “I fuckin’ know. I had one fuckin’ job…” He tilted his head, looked at Uri with a look of disappointment reserved only for himself. “And I fucked it up…”


	9. The Pizza Incident

There wasn’t much that Levi liked about Nile, but he put up with it for the sake of Erwin. He was the little kid–two years their junior and a bit self conscious about it to boot. He mimicked his uncle, straightening out of a slouch when confronted with another man, easily giving him four more inches of height to tower over most of his companions. Levi wasn’t tall, but even at ten years old, he was bit a broad, and the kids knew he was always one word away from cracking knuckles against a face.

But there just  _wasn’t_  much to like about Nile. Levi crossed his arms across his chest and breathed out his nose. He’d been trying to figure it out for the past year why Erwin liked Nile, but he could never figure it out. As they were now, they were at the local pizza place at the bottom of the hill, the only place in town that had a pinball machine, and Nile was easily on his second dollar within ten minutes. 

Nile being terrible at pinball was just one of the many things to dislike about him. 

Levi shifted in his spot and pat his jeans pocket, a jingle of loose change resounding back at him. He was hungry and agitated, but he didn’t manage to find enough pennies on their walks home this week to buy a slice, and he refused to take Erwin’s hospitality more than he already did. He eyed the cooler and debated getting a Pepsi, but shook his head and sighed again.

“What’s your problem?” Nile said, stepping back from the machine. His long braided rattail slipped from the corner of his mouth, the dark ends of the hair matted to a wetly chewed spike. “They still don’t take food stamps?”

“Knock it off, Nile.” Erwin said, tapping the glass cabinet of the machine.

Nile rolled his eyes and turned. He went to the counter and ordered another slice of cheese pizza, the fourth one of the night, and faced Levi with the point of the slice between his teeth. Levi looked away, wishing with all his might that Tuesday nights would just disappear from existence so he didn’t have hang out with this loser every week.

“We have to get to the video store before it gets too late.” Erwin said, quietly. He went to the counter and paid for two slices of pizza, giving one paper plate to a very reluctant Levi. “You know I can’t stay up past 10.”

Nile blew raspberries between his lips and shrugged. He left out the front door, the bell chiming their exit, leaving it open for Erwin to pass through but removing his hand to let it close into Levi. Not paying attention, the door caught Levi’s elbow, pushing the plate into his chest, and the pizza to spill onto the ground. Levi looked down, the door smacking into his forehead, and the pizza smooshing between the door and doorframe as it closed shut.

He could hear Nile giggling from the opposite of the glass door. The giggles turned to laughter. Levi’s face heated up, angry and humiliated and furious and ashamed and pissed right off. He stepped back from the door, his eyes snapping up. His body followed through with his arm, his legs, tense and tight and ready to fight, the door flinging open enough for him to step through, arm reaching out to take that rat-boy by the collar and…

“Hey!” Nile shrieked.

Erwin stood, tall, shoulders square, fists at his side.

Levi’s looked between Nile and Erwin. He tried to say something, but a frog caught his throat as Erwin advanced another step.

“I said to knock it off!” Erwin growled.

“Come on, man. It was a joke!”

Erwin’s fist clenched. “Levi and I are going home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Nile did as Levi, looked between him and Erwin, his hand coming up to gently rub at a quickly forming redness across his cheekbone. “Sure.”

Erwin’s shoulders slumped a little as Nile turned to leave. Levi cautiously came up to his side and looked up at him. Erwin breathed out a sigh, closed his eyes before looking down at Levi with a braces adorned smile. “Want to see if they have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles this week?”

Levi searched his face, worried his lip between his teeth. He looked back down at his spilled pizza caught between the door, felt the anger start to deflate, his shoulders falling, his posture caving. He smiled, snorted a laugh. “You sound like a dad.”

“Hm?” Erwin harped. He brought his hand up and touched his fingers to his bruising knuckles. “Why?”

“And I gotta teach you to punch right.” Levi added, walking off toward the video store.

“Ah?”

“What’s your dad gonna say?”

Erwin considered his hand, “I don’t know… Should I tell him I punched some pizza?”

They made it to the front of video store, Levi giggling along side Erwin. Erwin opened the door for Levi, and kept it open until he was well all the way inside.


	10. Perfection

Levi changed the calendar in the kitchen five times before they sleep together again.

Each week had dragged on, and Levi would come every weekend. Some would be easier than others. Some would be hard. Some he left without even saying good bye, leaving Erwin with the “trash” pile that somehow made its way to the “keep” pile.

They grieved together. Recanted stories about boy scouts, trips to the lake, and the couple of times they went to Philly. They talked about the time they ate so many Warheads that they couldn’t taste dinner that night, and the time when Vince caught them in the backyard trying to light firecrackers.

Each box brought on a different kind of emotion. Happy, sad, pleasant, comfortable, distressing. Erwin took Levi’s hand when he went through an old photo album, told him stories about his mother, smiled just like she did, a smile that Levi kissed.

Erwin touched his face, held his face, kissed him back like they never missed a day. His heart beat, fast. The boxes were gone. Levi was here. He got lost in him all over again.

They laid together, hot and pearled with sweat. He said it with a caution but meant it with every atom that composed him. “You’re perfect,” Erwin said quietly. The darkness of the room smoothed out pores, darkened Levi’s angles, set his eyes deeper, his lashes longer. Erwin focused on his own breathing, his heartbeat, and the world felt so overwhelming in Levi’s presence.

Levi’s eyebrows bowed, creating creases along his forehead, navy blue impressions like ocean waves. “Nobody’s perfect.”

Erwin shook his head, his teeth clenching. He felt stupid, because of course he knew that. Nobody is perfect–besides God, or so he had been taught so long ago. People are inherently imperfect, but not Levi. “I know that.”

Levi relaxed, his hands aimlessly, softly, tenderly running up the bare skin of Erwin’s sides. “Good.”

But the feeling was still there, and another word couldn’t quite express what he was feeling. Erwin leaned down, kissed his cheek, down his neck, along his collarbone. “But you are.”

“Erwin,” Levi squirmed slightly under him, craning his neck back to accept more of Erwin’s touch.

“To me,” Erwin said between kisses. “For me.” 

“Stop it.”

Levi got angry too easily–somebody clogging an aisle at a grocery store, the dish in the sink when the dishwasher was empty. Levi wasn’t traditionally attractive–scarred, short, a bit hairy in unsightly places. He had bad habits–smoked too much, slept too little. He was annoyingly ignorant to text messages. He woke up too early, and demanded others did as well. And he always, consistently, pestered Erwin too much about his eating habits.

But Erwin didn’t want to be with anybody else. Levi was his other half, the piece that even after all they had been through, was what made him feel the most complete. They’d done well. Levi was doing well. He said Erwin was too. And Levi was–without a doubt, despite everything he had learned, regardless of the things he should be thinking and saying–perfect.

“I love you.” Erwin said, his lips staying at the center of Levi’s palm. He sat on his knees, naked and towering over Levi. He pressed his cheek to his hand and closed his eyes.

Levi leaned up on his other arm. His eyes were dark, pupiless in the night, but the darkness smoothed all the edges and removed all the imperfections. Erwin saw love reflecting back at him, a smile like a crescent. “I love you too.”

Levi had stayed several nights within those five months, but that night he spent it within Erwin’s arms, smile pressed against his chest. He didn’t protest when Erwin said it again, instead burying deeper into his chest and sighing into a comfortable slumber.


End file.
